When I was diagnosed with testicular cancer and began researching, most of the articles I found were overwhelmingly positive. I’m not a fan of “positive psychology,” but I resonate with Nietzsche’s concept of amor fati, meaning “love your fate.” It’s your fate, and everything you survive holds value, carrying a greater purpose or lesson, and even if it’s not inherently good, it’s at least necessary. Just as athletes accept the risk of injury, fatigue, and pain in their training, going through testicular cancer comes with risks and the endurance of both psychological and physical pain. In the end, you emerge as a different person—not necessarily better in every way, because you may feel worse in some aspects, but better in others. Today, on September 12th, marks two years since I became this different version of myself, and I want to share the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Treatment

So I had 2 treatments, I had surgery and 1 round of bep chemo. Both of them impact you in different way, but the main thing you should be aware of is chemo. Recovery from surgery lasts a weak or 2, but chemo recovery last for months. And most of them are invisible for other people. And I had only one round of chemo. Imagine someone who had eight? Now not all chemo is the same but this is my personal experience.

Cognitive problems.

There’s a phenomenon called “chemo fog,” where chemotherapy affects your brain. All my cognitive functions seemed to slow down, and the first thing I noticed was my memory. For the life of me, I couldn’t remember things that used to come to me easily—like the name of Ryan Gosling. I’ve always liked him as an actor, and I often use his memes, so his name was never a problem. But one day, it took me about 30 minutes to recall it. I simply couldn’t retrieve the memory. The same happened with other actors’ names and terms I don’t use often.

It might not sound like a big deal, but it is when you’re a software developer and can’t remember something related to your work. That happened to me, too. My work quality and productivity took a hit. And what could I do? Blame the chemo? During one code review, I even received the comment, “This is a junior-level mistake.” Well, sorry, but my brain was operating at diminished capacity.

As for focus? That wasn’t spared either. I had a hard time concentrating for long periods. I’d lose track of what I was doing and run out of mental energy and clarity. No, I’m not saying people were unfair to me, but the thing is—no one sees it. Someone who has been through chemo may experience this for a while, but they probably won’t say anything, especially at work, because it might sound like an excuse. It’s real, though. The good news is that it does get better over time. At least, that was the case for me.

Physical fitness.

You know that feeling when you’ve been cooking for an hour, and your heart rate is at 140 bpm, like you’re on a light jog? I’ve experienced that. After chemo, my heart rate would spike, and I was exhausted all the time. Every chore felt like intense physical labor. I made the mistake of resting too much, and as a result, I lost all the fitness I had before chemo. I used to run for 40 minutes easily—now? Forget it, I can barely do 20. I used to be able to do 7 pull-ups; now, maybe 2. It’s been two years, and I haven’t returned to my former self. At first, I didn’t try because it was so hard, and then, after losing all my progress, it felt overwhelming to start from scratch again. If you or someone you know is going through chemo, encourage them to keep moving! Even if it’s just some stretching or light exercise. Once they fall out of the routine, it’s incredibly difficult to get back into it.

Hormones and body chemistry.

My emotional regulation went completely downhill. I had random bouts of crying for no apparent reason, even to myself. I used to find it odd when people cried during movies, but then I started doing it too. Not because I wanted to—I just couldn’t hold it back. Strangely enough, though, my anxiety decreased. But I couldn’t sleep, so I guess some part of my anxiety increased in other ways. For a while, the mindset of “I survived cancer, so why should I care?” helped, but eventually, the anxiety came back.

Physically, my body was also all over the place. My digestion became much worse, and my energy levels fluctuated wildly. I gained about 18 kilos, and my body started craving junk food like crazy. I couldn’t stop eating unhealthy stuff, and I still don’t understand why—it wasn’t an issue before. My stomach was constantly bloated, and that’s one symptom that has stuck with me.

Happy second (second) birthday to me, now the good parts.

So, I mentioned “amor fati.” What’s to love so far? Where’s the good stuff? I’ve only talked about the negative consequences so far. Well, the good part is actually within the negatives.

First, I’ve grown more empathetic. My cognitive struggles taught me that some people genuinely have difficulty understanding things in the way I do. I used to get irritated when others couldn’t grasp something or perform tasks the way I could. Now, I was those people. I was still capable, but I wasn’t as sharp, and that’s okay. Some people are simply less capable in certain areas, and that’s perfectly fine.

Second, it’s okay to be emotional. I used to hate being emotional and felt like I was worse at it than others. It’s hard to measure, but that’s my personal opinion. Honestly, I used to find emotional outbursts in people strange. Well, well… now I’m the one crying at movies, and that’s fine too. It’s a shame it took chemotherapy for me to understand that.

Third, consistency is KING when it comes to exercise—or anything, really. Doing something, even the bare minimum, makes a huge difference. If I had just stretched during my recovery, I probably wouldn’t have gained as much weight. According to my scale, I’m now considered obese. Being fit is truly important.

Fourth, most things in life aren’t as important as we make them out to be. They matter, sure, but we tend to overinflate their importance.

Unfortunately, I didn’t learn anything about B2B sales from this experience!